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And now to something by far more personal. My love life of 2010.

i should start with a short recap, for everybody who does not know about how all this started:

last year i got very depressed over the loss of my best friend, as my best friend. He had a not-well going relationship to a girl i too have known for quite some time, years actually. When they split up in early summer 2009, i nearly lost all connection to my friend, but parallel i connected more and more with this girl, who i will from now on in this post refer to as „moon flower“. We befriended really well and helped each over over our misery at that time. We both kinda went through a tough time. And by this we got like really close, too close even. We did certainly not share any deep love for one another, but we needed what the other had to offer, so no big deal really. If it weren’t for my old friend, who saw treason in my behavior and started hating my guts. I fell into a deep depression for quite a long time, and i am very lucky that moon flower was on my side and helping me out.

We met really rarely, but it was always very good for me, even though it was complicated as hell. I don’t really know how she felt…

anyway, i soon started to notice that i had some very specific feelings going on for her, but i could not point a finger on them. She pretty much made it clear from the beginning that she does not want any real relationship with me, as she does not love me more than as just a good friend. But she, too, had unresolved feelings she could not understand herself. I personally always thought those were the same…

and it was finally her who made me realize that it was love that i felt for her.

This was very special to me, because i had been let down for way too many times by the one i love. I haven’t been in love often, but it always ended up in tragedy. Even though i was dating every now and then, i could not share any deep feelings for anyone due to the obvious fear i had through my prior experiences. Being in love again felt great, but also very depressing, as she did not want anything more from me.

This was at the beginning of 2010. and i kinda dragged this feeling with me, without being able to do anything about it. Parallel to his we kept a really good friendship going on, doing stuff, sharing things. It was nice and felt good. She, and my brother, kinda filled out the hole that my former best friend left open.

Then April happened and i have gone through the harshest phase of my life, completely changing my point of view on things. And yes, afterward i felt able to finally come out of the closet. I felt great that i was no longer on my own way, and i could not care less about the possible outcome of things. I just wanted her to know how i felt. I let my romantic side speak for itself and let loose my ideas of romance.
I took literally the rest of my money to take her to a nice weekend trip in my home country. It wasn’t Paris or Italy or Sri Lanka, but it was the best i could effort. At this point i did not even plan to inform her what i felt, at this specific weekend. She kinda knew anyway. I just wanted to show her how i felt by acting, instead of telling. I don’t know, i think it’s an artist thing to let others know about things through other methods than talking.

And this was one of the biggest steps my life.

I made it pretty clear how awfully afraid i am of telling someone that i love her. The last time i did that the girl completely lost contact to me, immediately, even though this girl has also been my best friend. Loosing someone who is not only your friend, but also someone you fell in love with is something you don’t come over very easily. And i was afraid of doing so ever since. And moon flower did know this.

So, i told her. And this weekend was the last time i have seen her in person.

At least she did not break up the contact to me. More the other way around: our friendship still was pretty tight, and i liked it, of course. I mean, you have to understand the following: i completely respect EVERYONE of my friends, no matter how if effects me. And i totally respected her feelings and wishes. If she did not want to be wit me, that is the way it is, and it is ME who had to deal with it. It’s just really, really hard.

I knew this all right from the beginning, and every since i told her my true feelings i began to deal with it and accept the situation as it is. That may not have kept me from showing her my feelings by doing things that represented them. I tried really hard to visualize them. And along with those tries, i tried to give up on her… it was a hard thing to do…

during the next few months i took advantage of my feelings and my new view on life. The way she made me feel, that could have been something an artist would have made into… art. and so i did. One of my favorite things was a small book of poems I created, poems which completely were about moon flower. I started this some months ago, but after may i started to get this project into a finished state. I spend days and weeks on a poem that at last ended up being a few rows long. But the end result was a real book, consisting of like 40 pages or so. i binded it, asked a friend to help me out with a nice cover. I produced like 5 or 6 unfinished demo version of it, until i finally came up with a product i thought was suitable for my love. I spent so much time and so much love on this… i will release it at some point, if you’re interested.

The months went by, and i more and more could adapt to the thought of just befriending her. And, funny enough and even though i should have known better, i NEVER questioned our friendship. This was something i took for granted, just because it was granted for me. I would never leave her, and at least as a friend she should count on me. I have done the same mistake before, but i never thought things could repeat like this.

At some point, when i was at my parents, the thought occurred to me that she might been dating. I had no problems with that (in fact i even wanted her to date someone, because it would help me come over it. I knew that, and i was right). She went to see someone, and even though she later stated it was not a date – that is not what mattered to me. The pure thought of her dating someone made my brain go ‘click’, and what the fuck am i doing.

I have gone through a short state of jealousy, which i have never even experienced in my life (i don’t get jealous. I usually like when others get lucky.). But after that, i could totally end my months of desperation. I accepted it. The way it is, should be the way it is, and nothing more. I accepted.

To help me process the whole thing even faster, i finished a little mind experiment i once came up with. I started a short story with characters which were based on me and moon flower. I kept an open third person perspective on the whole situation and tried to describe what happened, is happening, and what will happen. To boost the effect of teaching me to cope with the whole thing, i changed the genders of the characters, so i would be the female and she the male character. That way i even enhanced the distance of the third person view, letting me judge the situation even more neutral. It worked, yes.

It kinda lost track at the middle of it and the whole thing kinda evolved into something more abstract, leaving its roots only a source of inspiration, not the matter of context. I changed the ending from my original idea that we would at some point never speak to one another again, as it usually happens with me, to a more positive ending, in which we still share a basic friendship for a very long time, because i think she more than deserved this kind of ending.

And i dedicated the whole story to her. It became a piece of art for me, a lyrical thing i would count as part of my writers works (like a photo would be part of my body of works of photographs). It wasn’t an experiment anymore, it was a short story (which i also will publish at some point somehow). On the way back home i threw her a copy into her mailbox.

And than things got nasty.

She read and interpreted it not well. I don’t know if she was right with this interpretations and my subconscious is a real bitch to me. But i certainly did not meant to offend her or anything. Beside that i told her how okay i am with the situation and that i nevertheless felt great about how things were. I was so lucky that she was still there and i welcomed our new born friendship. I was hyped about the future and how our friendship can finally become a real thing, without the distraction of a suppressed love as an under layer.

But that is not what happened.

She hated too many things about me, most of them i can’t even blame her for. It was too late for apologies. But i do not believe she believed me with my statement about how i now feel about us. I come to this conclusion, because after i wrote her about about how positive I am about our friendship and how well i am looking forward to play video games with her and watch a new tv series, and such, she replied mostly with why she did not love me – which wasn’t even the topic for me anymore. See, that is why i don’t thing she believes me anymore. Or, let’s better take the word ‘trust’, yeah. She does not trust me anymore. I think she never did.

Even though I sometimes fooled myself with wrong information, she still is the only person I never intentionally lied to. And still she does not trust me. I hate that thought.

The end result was, she decided not to talk to me anymore. Leaving me in exactly the same situation that happened to me one year prior. I lost my best friend.

Last time i lost my job afterward and fell into months of depression. This time was different, though. I spent one week, mourning. I again lost my job. And yes, it was partly due to this situation. I would have canceled it anyway, but this tragedy fastened up the problems and leaded to a more early end of my employment.

This week was brutal. I could not do anything. I could not go outside, i could not eat. Yeah, i ate nothing for six days straight. I could not. And lost like 10 kilos, again.

But this time was way more different. After one week, i was over it. And that’s all.

To this point i never realized how much i changed, but this was drastic. It was not even hard, i just grew beyond my griefs and mourns.

It was the day i got fired. I realized that i now have the time i wanted to do things i dragged in front of me for months. I could meet people, date again, do arts, finish my blog, and basically i was lucky to be alive and well healthy and had no real problems anymore.

Sure, she was gone, but that is kind of the loss that leaves you in a state that you started from, so it’s not a loss it all. It’s tragic and harmful, and god knows the damage my subconscious took, but in the end i was okay and able to laugh about things and go on. It felt great, and since then i am having a real good time, even without her.

I still miss her.

I will keep on writing her, not even knowing if she reads it. But it doesn’t matter. There is not much love left for her, just the deep need for a good friend. And i will keep on trying to earn her trust back, even if it has no outcome at all. Same with showing my love – it’s not about reaching a specific goal, it is about self respect and expression of oneself.

And like i said, i moved on.

I guess i already started to fall for another girl in my life. She does not know that, and even if she reads those lines she will probably not even realize that is her i am talking about. But i am still not confident enough to ask her out or anything.

Important is, i CAN feel that way. I CAN go on and fall in love again with someone else. I would have not thought it’s possible. I am stronger than i thought and i like how i am right now. Things are good.

I still miss you, moon flower.

I want my friend back.


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last modified: 2010-Dec-07, 22:05:19
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comments (3)

  1. moon flower | 2010-Dec-11, 21:57:58 |

    someday…


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