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the world through the eyes of sweet melancholy. about the arts, science, and personal affairs.
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i died three times. holy trinity.

the last couple of months were horrible. the most terrible months i ever experienced. and i can tell i have been through a lot of bullshit, more than i should have to.
i remember reaching a point back when i was in my teens, around the age of 16~17, when i first lived through a phase of deep depression that made me suicidal. it was the underlying acceptance of how stupid the world actually was that really got me. i couldn’t stand the thought that every person is driven by such stupidity and i did not know how to advance further. but on the other hand i never experienced real love. and that is what finally rescued me.
the second time was approximately 2 years ago when i finished my design school and everything around me broke apart. i felt really helpless, as many of those i loved have hurt me and shown me again how egocentric human kind can be. i couldn’t deal the urge of people to avoid social contacts that were good for them, out of pure angst. what really got me then was that i by that felt extremely alone. and i needed some time to come over this and occupy my attentions with more important things, as i was right in the beginning of my pre-school adulthood.

then i started all over again. i moved into another town, left many of my friends behind and was actually expecting everything to get better. but as it turned out this was only blue-eyed.
i moved to Düsseldorf in march 2009. i still had the help of the few friends i had left, but in general i was really busy finding new social connections. i would never have thought i find even more egocentric people than back in the city i lived before, as none of all the dozens of people ever tried to contact me back, even if we spend great times. i still don’t really understand how someone who spends on his own will more hours with you, than you would have liked to, but still doesn’t seem to be interested in having you as a friend. and instantly forgets about you.
anyways. my world crumbled apart again, as all my expectations were destroyed by my surrounding happenings. again.
job search went slow, and i only found one job that i find really annoying. my arts have since than greatly lost its content and productivity. i started so many cool things, but most of them were have to come to a close stop because my partners for this project let me down.
and there i was again: lonely, destructed, without any self-confidence left. i really only needed some support here and there, but well… what then happened is something i never even imagined to happen.

my best friends abandoned me.
this was a slow process and somehow i have seen this coming. but like instantly this problem got way too big. i was occupied by all my other problems, thus i haven’t realized how serious this in particular has been evolved to. suddenly i found myself without my friends, in a time when i needed them the most. and well, this point is already some months past. i first came to its attention like 3 months ago or so. of course i started to solve this problem, but at his point those friends already didn’t had an ear left for me any more.
and the case got worse: they lost their confidence in me! i still don’t really get how THIS happened. as i never even lied to them or anything alike.
so this is what i get from YEARS and YEARS of total and heartily truth? from all the love and understanding i gave them, they still are able of distrusting me?? hell, they even said to me in the face that they don’t believe me. and i simply don’t know why this is.

and from than on everything went totally wrong.
what was the most annoying aspect of the following happenings is that it was completely out of my control. as nobody even wanted to hear to me.
i found myself in an yet, for me, unkown circle of ignorange, disbelief and hatred. yes, hatred. pretty much everything around me were acts of hatred. i never would have thought my friends could be that cruel at all.
nobody seemed to be interested in the truth anymore, everbody seeked ignorance and prefered to not concern about what actually happened.

i have – mostly throught second hand – heared about many “facts” that were around and it hurt me really bad that most of them were just plain stupid and wrong. they all so went against everything that was logical and expecially most of it were against what the people actually KNOW. i can’t get over this fact that my friends made up facts out of pure hatred, abandoned me for those “facts” and never even tried to solve any problem whatsoever. they prefered to ignore any problem they made by themself. and they ignored me. and how far they would go with this attitude even surprised me.

last week i tried to commit suicide.
it’s not that i made a secret out of it. everybody has known about it. but what did actually happen?
the friends who actually could have done something prefered to not even contact me. yeah, great choice, idiots. i was told that they actually were worried about me, but there was no way i could have known that. accept for this shitty second hand information again, that is hard to trust in the first place. so they discussed the situation (god knows how that had worked out when everybody lived with their own version of the truth) and send one person to help. an old friend i wasn’t that much in contact with any more (will change that, i missed him). and to say the truth, what i never told anyone till then: this evening i would have been dead, if he hadn’t call me. i was right in a strange knife play, trying to get used to this pain.
anyways, it worked. good to know there still was some good will around me. this was last monday. now it’s sunday evening. and guess what happened since then, you wouldn’t believe it: nothing. absolutely nothing!
no call, not even form this one friend. no visit, nothing.

so, i am still really pissed of from all this.
you are all so damn narcissistic, i can’t believe it. even though i still loved you all and wanted to forgive you and was sorry for what had happened – none of you was willing to solve a problem. none of you was willing to face the truth. none of you cared about my feelings. you all disappointed me so hard i still can’t believe how self-centered you all are.
what you have done was simply dumb, selfish and full of hate. i despise you for this.

what will happen now?
i still don’t know. it’s not that i feel better or anything has changed. i tried my best and failed hard. because of you.
you know i am the oppinion that i never really could feel hatred against the ones i love, even though they hurt me. i never experienced feelings of jealously, selfishness or hate when i came to my friends. and i guess i still can’t, as i still love everyone of you and wish to solve all our problems and want to make you see that i never lied to you and you can trust me.
BUT in the future i will try my best to at least pretend hatred, with the ultimate goal of being able to understand your stupid behavior. i will try to transfuse my high self-worth and frustration about the world – to hate.
so don’t expect me to be any more indulgent in the future. when i sense any aspect of hatred or stupidness i will act as everyone else but me would react: like an asshole. this is what you have driven me to, this is how i observe your behavior. and this is what i will be. i will be like you.

so: fuck it. i hate you and every single one of you. i hate my friends and the rest of the world. you ingore love, but you love yourself and you love to hate things to death. that is dumb, and you are dumb.

i hereby label the last phase of my life good night sweet prince, as i feel reborn and many things will change in the future. i hope this phase has already ended, but time will show if this has been the case.
as one of the many changes i change my pseudonym “TsuBaka” to simply “tsubaka.” the lower case letters are a symbol.
you will notice other changes by the time you speak to me. if you dare.

but keep this in mind (may it burn you from the inside, because realising this as the truth will hurt you): i always loved you and will always do so. i forgive you for everything you have done. i never did anything by intention to hurt you. i never lied to you and never will. the only reason why you think of me as an asshole is because you want me to be one. because it is you who can’t deal with truth and prefer to ignore reality in order to express your selfishness.
you let the only person down who ever was completely honest to you.


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last modified: 2010-Nov-28, 1:49:13
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