prologue: How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)

Chapter 1
Young Orchid

 

my first love.

In a retrospective she has had the greatest impact on me so far. I did not notice that until recently, that she kinda acts as a blue print for me today with every girl i meet.

I feel very lucky that i had, at this young age, such a great friend. We knew each other since kindergarten and during the first few years of school we grew together as a pair you only know from films. Seriously, this must have looked strange and cute from the outside. And very cliche, i guess. We were like a love couple, but of course we were way too young to notice what this was all about. It was all so innocent and beautiful.

From all my early years i mostly remember her – not school or family or something, no, only her. I remember how we hold hands all the time, how we played together at some ponds out in the country, the birthday parties, the innocent kissing games after school, the night-overs, how we spend as much time together as possible. And her smell, for some reason.

It was the perfect thing to happen to a young child, in many regards. Also a bad thing, as since then i feel like on an endless journey of finding something as pure again, to call my own. It is this simple and pure and positive thing i miss in my life, ever since i last saw her. And not also this, she as a person shaped my expectations from others forever. Like, being kinda innocent, but smart and curious at the same time. Maybe a bit boy-ish and playful, but very sweet and soft and nice. I miss those things a lot, and all the details that came along with it. But it’s a subconscious thing and for a long time i was not even aware of this.

Anyway, i spend a few years very happy, mostly because of her, and the lack of things alike and the constant state of more bad things to happen, kinda feel like a downward spiral from then on after all this. So far this was the best time of my life, so no wonder why i constantly mourn about the loss of my youth. It’s this pure and simple youth i am thinking about when mourning about my past.

Young Orchid and i were in the same class until the end of the fourth class. At some point something made ‘click’ in my mind that told me that something bad was about to happen. I felt like i was running out of time, and i convinced myself that i was in love with her, like movie-like, always-together real love, the big thing. Even though i was still a kid and probably had no essence of what that actually meant – back then it was very much real for me. And even tho i have a different definition about what “being in love with someone” really is, nowadays, – today i would not have been able to convince myself about this – i accept that she was my first real love. And back then i had great fear of what might happen in the future.

You know, i have always been the lonely kid who did NOT want to grow up. I realized pretty quick that being an adult meant responsibility and decisions and a whole lot of shit that might happen to one (which turned out to be totally true, btw). So knowing that Young Orchid and i will be going to different schools, which would fuck up our daily routine (children seriously NEED routine), scared the hell out of me. maybe that is why i felt very forced to be honest to her about my feelings. Also, i slowly stated to realize what romance is, and what being together with someone is like and why it is so important. Even kissing suddenly got a whole different feel to it, up to a point that i was afraid of it. And when we suddenly went to different schools, my downfall began.

We started to see each other more and more rarely, and i hated that. I suddenly felt very alone – not only because SHE wasn’t around anymore, but also because most of my other friends weren’t, too, anymore. And so many stuff changed. I was so confused. At first we saw each other only like once a week, mostly on the bus, and then less and less often. The last time i saw her was in the sixth or seventh grade.

I never said i loved her.

 

Nearly ten years have passed until i finally heard something from her again. I got a letter from her and we started to be pen pals. It felt strange, because i found out how much of a different person she was now, obviously. We have evolved pretty much into opposite directions and today i would probably not even notice her. This fact alone feels so sad to me, i could cry. I cannot think how life would have turned out if we grew up together for more time. We may still be together, who knows, but the “we”s would be not remotely like we both are today.

She is now married and has two kids. I feel really glad for her, as this seems like something i would want. I am still very afraid of meeting her, but it’s not out of the question. We wrote about this. Today we don’t write letters, but we are connected on Facebook and such, but it quickly resulted in us writing LESS to each other.

Up to today only two other girls reached nearly as much of a special level of attraction to me, as Young Orchid did. And guess what, thinking about it, Sea Rose and Moon Flower kinda share a lot of character trades with my original Young Orchid. The prototype for how i wish things to be. The perfect and pure love, no conditions and no questions.

I don’t choose this anymore, it’s over my head. I feel actually pretty lucky to have had such a great thing to happen to me by that i can easily judge who is a decent person to be for me and who is not. And i am well aware, that what i am thinking about is mainly in my head. I bet a lot of things i remember are mostly shaped by my imagination and a lack of actual memory i have. So this concept of my Young Orchid is more of a fictional thing to me. I don’t compare girls to her, i simply like to be reminded of how things SHOULD be for me. How it is to really be in love with someone.

chapter 2: Milky Way

---

◀ newer post How To Stay Alive, chapter 2: Milky Way

older post ► How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)