prologue: How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)

 

chapter 3
Sea Rose

 

so i was becoming a metal fan, wearing all black, being rebellious to my parents and all the crap. The internet has laid its hands around me and i started to feel a need of expressing myself, felt attracted to the art scene and everything alternative. The hunger for knowledge grew. And my hatred, too. But the internet opened a new way of communication for me. I quickly started to realize one positive thing about communication in text form: people start to get to know each other on a different level, a more personal level, leaving the obvious superficial stuff behind very quickly, like outer appearances and such. Plus, there was no reason to be shy. My low self esteem meant NOTHING in cyberspace, and my actual me was pretty much good in making friends online with who i am. Without knowing it i learned to know Moon Flower, but it needed a few more years to start getting relevant.

Most importantly i met my first mature love, Sea Rose. Back then we had so much in common, and i learned so much from her. It felt like she was on the same level, but always a few steps in front of me, and that got my attention. So it was only logical that we got closer and closer. Internet forums, instant messaging and later even telephone calls and real meetings were the norm. and after a year or so it was pretty clear to both of us that we were in love. Like, seriously this time. Of course a lot was about to happen and we would change a lot from then on, and i guess we both knew this could probably end our good relationship at some point, but this would not matter to our youth minds back then. And we were pretty happy for quite some time, and i feel glad that we got so far. Especially regarding my own complexity and how difficult things would be with me.

The situation i found myself in was kinda strange. On the one hand i finally got what i always hungered for, but on the other hand the damage was done. I still found myself in this hostile world in which i could simply not fit in, but at least i found an escape person i could always go to. And not only because she shared most of my points of view, but because she was there for me. Which is by the way something one should always have. Even now, that i can deal with all the bad in the world, this is something i very need. Somebody to hide, to help me get my head off of things, to concentrate on the positive aspects. Well, to SHOW me what is good in life, anyway.

For some time things were pretty good like this. The world was still a bad place to be, but it didn’t matter. What Sea Rose showed be by this is that pretty much the whole world is meaningless, as long as you have someone to love. I learned to show this and how to embrace it. Something valuable i will always have in life.

Back then i was still mourning about why i had so few friends and why we can’t just all get along, but in retrospective that was all pretty much pointless. You know, i HAD friends and they were awesome. Maybe it’s a trick of my memory, and Sea Rose keeps telling me that those weren’t as good as i remember them to be, but one thing i know for sure is that i knew people who had interest in the same things as i, and that is important for deep friendships, and something i lack of nowadays. And i had those and i shouldn’t have complained about them. I miss all of them.

Anyway, back to the topic. I spend pretty much every single second of freetime with her for a long time. We talked a lot, also about the future. Marriage and children and such were not out of the question, but we were smart enough not to rush into things and give us some time. Turns out this was a good idea. Also moving together was a good decision. That hold us together as a union without feeling uncomfortable. What i learned from it is that spending a lot of time together is very good when you love each other, not matter the fear of not wanting it. Mainly because this is something very basic that HAS to work in order for you two being able to be together forever. I mean, moving together does not really tell you a lot about your attraction to one another, but this is just something that has to work, otherwise you two do not work. As a couple.

What finally went wrong with the two of us was a lack of compatibility after we changed. We were young and still in a big process of change, which is normal anyway. Couples have to evolve TOGETHER and adapt to the new partner every day. Compromises and such, you know the drill. It’s a cheesy thought, but it is so true. And Sea Rose and i could not manage this in a long term. We evolved into persons who did not love each other anymore. It’s as dry as this. The things we once shared cannot be taken away and i, of course, treasure all the good things we had. But not in grief about the loss of those moments, but in a cheering way in that i am lucky i had those in the first place. I learned a lot about love.

The best thing i learned for myself is about being romantic. I learned how to combine creativity with affection, and i learned that indulgence is way better than satisfaction. Like, the path is the goal. This applies to everything – like love and sex and so on.

We were together for like three years. There is no real date were we separated, as this was a long process and we knew this was coming. The whole last year was more or less just dragging and hoping everything would get better, but i guess we both didn’t spend much effort into actually doing something to amend the process we wanted to happen, but never did. In a way we were powerless. We were still living together when we separated, which turned out to be difficult – for her, not for me. We moved into different rooms and kinda tried to live life nonetheless, but she couldn’t stand the thought of me having another girl after her. something that up to this point never REALLY happened, which is especially sad considering how long this was ago. I mean i can’t even remember, but at least 5 years or so. She got me my self esteem back, and this was maybe the best present one can give to another person. I changed a lot, and believing in oneself again was priceless, because after we broke up this was vital for me to move forward. But of course missing a person to love would not go without getting back into depression. Obviously self esteem has had nothing to do with my sort of depression, because it may guarantee for people to be around, but not necessarily someone to love. And for me this was the one and only reason not to feel alone, to love someone and being loved back.

I am glad we are still friends. We hold on to things that once connected us, because those are unique and can’t be taken away from us. But sadly enough this would not work without certain limitations. People often ask me how i can still be friends with a person i was together with. And i have to say this is only possible by blending out the things that got you apart in the first place. Like, we agreed on specific topics that we won’t talk about. A sad thing, but it works. I won’t go into detail on what those things are, because it’s very personal, as you may can guess. But from a friendship point of view this should not really happen. Like being completely honest is something we can’t guarantee for sure. Of course i would obviously not lie to her after all we have been through, but some things i dare to mention in front of her in fear of what might happen. We both have been there and it was not pretty. We have seen sides of the other that nobody else knows about. And regarding how much we already changed probably nobody will EVER see again.

It’s a bit sad to know that we will never have any romantic feelings for one another ever again, but it’s for the better cause. I mean, better be good friends than to never see each other again or ignore each other. At least in such a case you know exactly what you are up to and what your friend is like.

 

---

◀ newer post How To Stay Alive, chapter 4: Brown Sugar

older post ► How To Stay Alive, chapter 2: Milky Way