prologue: How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)

 

Chapter 6
Poison Oak

 

This will be a rather quick one.

First of all, i have NO IDEA when this happened. I don’t even know why i can’t specify this happening chronologically better than like in a span of like 5 years or so. But i guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because it did not affect me that much on way through life, like most of other people did with me. But it had a certain impact on my own believe, in a way that it manifested what i already believed in, and did this pretty effective.

As you may know i am – no matter how open minded – more of a monogamous person. The hyper-romantic guy who does stick to the girl he chose, no matter what. Even tho i may be able to differ between sexual and metaphysical needs, and it’s actually pretty easy. I mean, for example i personally would not be as upset about when my partner cheated on me, as long it was just for sexual purposes (and yes, i have to trust my partner at least that much that i have to believe her, if she says so), at least be not as upset as most people would. And friends tend to be irritated by my open approach when it comes to physical stuff like that. For example i would not have any problem when a partner of mine things she has to have an open relationship. It’s not what I want to have, but hell, if she wants it and i trust her, i seriously see no problem there. See? You already are irritated. But don’t get me wrong, i do not personally approve of it, in a sense that this is how i would like it to be. In a perfect relationship there is only a two-sides physical thing happening – meaning the two parts of that relationship, which are me and her.

Anyway, Poison Oak was a friend of mine, or better said a friend of a friend, but i saw her frequently. And even tho you might have thought this will be an example of me cheating on someone, but actually no, it’s not. It’s about she cheating on someone else. And YES i know, being part of that makes me also a cheater, and today i know this. But back then i did not.

So she was in a relationship for actually quite a long time already. And when i noticed some strange behavior on her side it really irritated me. She started to get touchy, but on a very sweet kinda way, like just holding hands during a movie or such. And because i had no idea what was going on, i got interested in it. We started to chat and i found out what the problem with her was. As it turned out her boyfriend had some serious sexual issues going on, leaving him in a position in which he simply wasn’t capable of giving her the pleasure she so needed. I actually found it hard to believe that for more than two years they haven’t had sex at all. This was so sad to me, because after my believes that is a waste of youth. Or at least what was still left of it in us. Plus, sex is important in a long term relationship. She had my sympathy and really talked me into this whole thing by it. She was not really my type, but i still liked her somehow. Enough to agree on this whole thing. And so we planned a one-night-stand.

Obviously this is not something for me, but i never had one of those and was very curious on how this worked at all and wanted to do it at least once in my life. And yes, once it happened and i will never do it again.

Because as it turned out to be not a bad thing while it actually happened, the overall morality of things was just too much of a bad thing to tolerate. Or to make it short: it was wrong. It sure felt wrong, also. Right afterward i was still very confused if this was right or not – at least i had enough reason to convince myself that this was righteous at all. So we agreed on doing it a second time somewhen. But i quickly regretted this whole thing. And then i kinda acted like a jerk and should probably have told her about my insights and my decision on not to do that every again, but i didn’t. We chatted a bit more after that, and thinking about it, she also never brought that topic up again, either. So maybe she got to the same conclusion as i did, which i strongly hope. But i should at least have asked her about it. Nowadays i sure would do so, but back then i simply didn’t have the guts to confront her with it.

So, to conclude, i did not really learn anything new from that experience, but it felt good to know that what i always believe in and act after, seems to be the right way after all. Bad enough that i took part in something horrible as a partner cheating on the other, spreading lies and mistrust. This still bothers me a lot and tortures my subconscious a lot. But i am glad that this never has to happen ever again.

I hope they are still together.

 

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