prologue: How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)

 

Epilogue
How to stay alive with a broken heart…

 

So yeah, HOW exactly do you stay alive with a broken heart?

I don’t really want to idolize what I have been through, but I think I can surely say without a doubt that I experienced quite a wide range of different inter-social problems regarding “love”. Like, as you could see, all situations I wrote about have a quite unique touch to them, to a certain amount that I guess most people don’t have to go through. Also, I think I barely repeated any mistake, which I am quite proud of. The reason for writing about those particular people was that they made me LEARN about life, a LOT. The more I wrote about them, the more I learned from them. And I am so grateful for those lessons I received. They drastically changed and shaped me to the person I am now. Okay, I might be by far too fear-driven and damaged, but still, spiritually I have gained a lot of wisdom and age, probably making me more adult than it is common for a guy at my age. Well, at least this is my perspective of things (others might disagree).

But yeah, as a Buddhist I believe that going through problems makes me stronger and a better person, in a long shot. And all those dozens of emotional scars for sure made me stronger than ever. And I don’t regret most of them simply because of that. I prefer temporary suffering, if that means I can shape a better future for myself, if at least by building a better character.

Obviously it left me in a highly fragile and unstable state, and yes it’s highly difficult to live like that. I bet lots of people at some points in there life go through something similar. Doesn’t really matter how deep it goes and how justified it is – if you’re hurt and down, that’s the way it is. And for me personally I usually fall into this state when being alone.

For some reason this has always been the thing with me: When having someone to share my love, I feel sane and whole. And when being alone, things are all blurry and insecure. I think I just need to be with someone in order to stay intact. As long as I have someone, I am sane. And I know most people are like that.

I remember having Moon Flower telling me very often that I just have to deal with being alone. But guess what, that is actually not the problem. It may have been once, but not anymore. I am very well able to enjoy myself, and I actually need this every now and then. I enjoy the freedom of being alone and everything. But it’s not a matter of being happy or unhappy. My problem is of existential nature. Needing someone to fulfill ones purpose, to help with reality and giving you a general sense of being alive is of more importance than being happy. For me at least. This may be bit nihilistic or something, but I need someone to observe and share my happiness. That’s proof of me being alive. If I am just happy, but no one knows about it, does it even matter?

So yeah, what always helped me a bit with dealing with everything is the thought that I soemhow influenced peoples life. I don’t like to think about how many people tend to want to see only the negative things I accomplished with them, but at least I know that I also had good influences. And even tho I get hated in the end, having a general feel of having that person led to have a better personality is quite helpful with my condition. But that’s already the best part about it.

Still, I am pretty scarred and my heart has never ever hurt that much. It’s even a physical pain sometimes, that’s how much it is broken. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy or such, that’s nice but doesn’t help at all. Everybody just try to be a good person, selfless and open minded to possible positive outcome of unknown things. Don’t be afraid. That’s what I need around me, and nothing more. I can live with my condition, and yeah I know those may be too much for a normal person, but I manage, somehow. I have been diagnosed with several personality disorders and such, like a slight obsessive-compulsive disorder, an angsty-depressive syndrome, and most notable bipolar personality disorder (a.k.a. manic-depressive disorder), so no wonder being heart-broken is such an important topic to me. As an artist I try to keep being expressive about all of it, that’s a way of dealing with things. For example writing about it or doing visual arts around my condition is a part of dealing with it, because I use to reflect everything through the use of artistic tools. It helps better understanding what happened and learning from it. And I recommend doing so.

Very important in dealing with such problems, as for example being heart-broken, is that you recap and evaluate. Think about it, process it. Don’t pay attention to that voice in your head, that keeps distracting you from doing so, because it hurts. Sure it hurts, but guess what: That’s how it works. If you want to use your ignorant powers, use them for a good cause. Use it to ignore the pain you have to sustain in order to deal with it, and not to ignore the need to do so. Don’t just try to sit there and wait, or even drink your sorrows away and distract yourself – things don’t get solved that way. Just trying to be happy won’t to shit on a long term. Ignore the negative affects of dealing with it and just FACE yourself for some time, no matter the pain. Facing ones own problems is a hard thing to do, and it needs some time and practice. At first it will even make you hate yourself and what you became, and being depressive is a side effect of that. But see it simply as that, a side effect. Like with medicine. It’s just temporary. After some time of evaluating everything that you have done right and wrong, this will go away.

I am right now in this process, again. Even tho I know I can right now only think about everything that went wrong in the past, and what is wrong in the present – I believe in the fact that it will go away at some point in time. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but it just has to happen.

But the most important things appear to be random. Like finding loyal friends, or having someone who wants to like you. Those things you don’t have control over, so you should probably avoid thinking about those too much. It’s just depressing.

I wish someone had the responsibility to just try to make it fit, to make herself love me. I wish that person to be Moon Flower. I will keep up the faith that SOMEONE will do that someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but somewhen in the future maybe. After all, it’s just too probable to happen, right?

I don’t know if what I wrote about would actually help someone after all. It’s still all really shallow and I could easily write a few more books about it without any major problems. And in the end it was all just a small part of how to deal with a Bleeding Heart Disorder.

For the major part of dealing with it, I guess it’s pretty much just faith. Faith in the believe that things will balance out at some point. May it be through god’s will or just simple mathematical probability. Just stay focused on the right goals and things will turn out good, right? The best YOU can do get to this point is just trying to do your best and evolve, character-wise. Learn from your mistakes, and from the mistakes of others, and don’t fear to risk stuff. Even if it means to get hurt on the way, never forget the following:

Love is worth the pain.

 

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