the world through the eyes of sweet melancholy. about the arts, science, and personal affairs.
8106 › part 2: My brother and i
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the relationship between me and my brother Marco is a bit complicated. In order to understand at least the surface one has to know about the basics of our mind and history.
So, for the few of you who are interested this would be the text you might want to read.
I have to say that the whole suicide thing did not surprise me at all. And this is even what he has written me in his goodbye letter (that I was most likely not surprised at all). But why did i NOT see this coming in the first place? And why would he choose to go this road?
Let me try to clear this up…
first i want to thank the people who are worried about me. I value this a lot, so just that you know.
But no, despite the fact that my brother and i had the same fundamental problems with the world, plus i myself have gone through a similar suicidal state more than once, i am NOT suicidal right now. I haven’t been for a few months now, i am very sorry for what happened, and guess what: after what happened in the last month i will never ever let you go through all this again! The topic is DEAD for me (no pun intended).
Suicide is dumb and irresponsible. Throwing away everything you got, no matter how less this is, but especially throwing away everything you might COULD have in the future – that’s simply stupid, and nothing more.
I did not like to see my brother going through similar shit as i did in his age. remember, he was 5 years younger than me. And he always seemed like a younger version of me – everybody said that, and i even experienced this myself.
You know the kind how younger brothers and/or sisters always unintentionally copy the older ones? That’s what he did quite a lot. He started to hear my music, he dressed like me, he let his hair grow like I did… and as he has choosed to walk the same road as i did, he also came across the same problems and even imitated me dealing with it.
So how could it end up in such a different way than it did with me…?
his problems have always been very existential. He pretty much learned to hate life and all the people. For the same reasons most of us do, but on a very profound level that went right into his bones and expanded to a full grown hate to life itself.
Simply spoken he did what makes a good human: he hated liars, detested haters, could not handle dumbness. All that made him a good human – trustworthy, nice, intelligent. But in the same time everything started to grow over his head, as i did with me.
It’s hard to live in a world were you hate everybody for obvious and logical reasons. I mean hate and stupidity and egoism are pretty much EVERYWHERE you look! It’s in the people, in the state’s system, in the ecology, in the laws and social rules. But that alone doesn’t make one suicuidal. Come on, doesn’t everybody think that way, deep inside ones mind?? i certainly do so, too.
What made the whole thing collapse was his other incapability. Also something many of us are sort of relate to: the meaning of life.
Sounds cheesy, right? But that has been an important thing in his life. I mean, it is an important thing for everyone of us, but most deal with it in ignoring the topic the best we can. That’s how we humans can deal with things the best. and when it comes to the reason of our very own existence it’s like the worst case of ignoring truth.
Truth is, nobody knows why we do what we do. why we exist, eat, reproduce. Why we should earn money, get famous and have fun. We just do it. Many deal with it by adapt to a form of believe…
but well.. believing is the opposite of knowing and that is were the problems start. BELIEVING that there is a life after death or that there is a meaning to all of this, is nothing more than ignorance to the fact that we, as human beings, will NEVER be able to find out why we’re here. Believing in things is just another form of ignoring, as mentioned above.
And my brother could NOT believe and hardly deal with the fact that he did not know why he did what he was supposed to.
He did not know why he studied. He did not know what to do with a well-paid job, a wife and kids, and in the end he did not even know why he should be happy.
The really sad part about all this is the pure logic behind this. One can not deny the thought process behind all this. And regarding this isn’t it really hard to understand why WE other people can live with those facts, despite that we know pretty much the same things?
I mean, i can only speak for myself. And i don’t know for myself why i do the things i do. i just do, because they satisfy. And i sort of live in fear of the same things and try to act against them.
For example i can’t live with those facts on my one. So when i start to lose friends i find myself alone with those problems, so things get over my head. That’s why i never want to be alone, and want find a girl to love and make kids to raise. It’s a good thing no matter how you see it, even facing the facts i just stated.
And there is a point in which even i do not understand my brother.
He certainly was alone. As i said before he moved to Berlin one year ago in order to study. And there he was pretty alone. When he found out that i shared the same problems with him he started to befriend me a lot. Over the past 12 months we grew together, which was a big deal for both of us. He also started to try to imitate me more, because he saw that i went through this shit and i somehow survived. He was really interested in seeing how I managed to deal with this and was obviously jealous of me.
So, he did not want all this to happen and somehow acted against it by talking with me about related topics and such. When he found out that he could talk to me about it he started to share a lot of personal thoughts and feelings – something we haven’t done throughout our whole childhood! Our family has ever been quite closed minded when it came to existential problems. Maybe because our parents would not have been a good help when it came to philosophy and psychology… (yeah, me and my brother have been pretty much the smartest of our family ; )
and the fact that he wanted to talk about it and actively find a way out of his situation is an important thing to accept. It’s not that he really WANTED to die – he just did not saw another option.
Most notable was his interest in psychiatrists. He did not believe in their help, or at least he convinced himself that they do not help at all, hence he did not try to contact one. So when I finally did exactly that and talked to a psychiatrist (as mention in part 1 this happened to be the mother of a close friend of mine, which I already knew for a bunch of years) and my brother was totally interested in the topic.
It kinda seemed to fascinate him that his believes about psychiatrists may have been wrong (that’s typical for both of us: we LOVE everything that is beyond our reality!). And I guess he was close to actually contacting one. But he didn’t.
I feel stupid that I did not force him to contact one. i could have easily drive to him and drag him to a psychiatrist. He trusted me, so he would have followed me. And I would have done this if this would have gone for some more weeks… so, yeah, I really hate myself for not acting like I told myself to!!
I can’t say I did not try anything to prevent the tragedy. Quite the opposite, I did A LOT to help my brother and much of it even did work. Who knows, without me he may would have done this much earlier. So I don’t blame myself for the things that happened, but I hate myself for not doing everything I could have done. I think I only did like 90% of my capabilities – and why? Because I could BARELY handle the topic at all!! I went through this shit way too often and was just over the hill so that I could finally watch myself in the mirror and be happy that I can be happy and won’t need a psychiatrist any more. And that is also why my first reaction was way too much denial. Suicide is just a topic I was, at this point, pretty much over with. And really sick of it.
And so I kinda denied myself to believe that my brother would do what he was talking about, despite the fact that I could have known better…
well. What else to say…
you know, I so loved my brother, and I sure still do. We shared a lot and loved to do things together. We had plans. For the future. Real plans.
And we spend a lot of time together. When I recap my life so far, I think that I really tried to spend as much time with him as possible – not that I explicit tried to. And we shared enough to find a bunch of things that we could do together. One thing in particular was playing video games.
And yeah, I know many of you will now think how lame that is and blablabla, but heyh, this is an emotional thing, so please try to keep an open mind here.
I at least remember spending hundreds and thousands of hours playings games with him, from our very early youth on. Beginning with games like Mario Kart and other SNES games, over stupid games like Future Cop LAPD for PC later then, and finally ending in a blast through Borderlands. And yes, it was a LOT of fun playing with him, no matter what you might thing (especially if you knew him or even played along with us once. It was another thing between the two of us only…)
the game we both loved the most was Secret of Mana, aka. Seiken Densetsu 2. and yeah, I love to tell people this:
we spend uncountable hours playing the shit out of that SNES RPG. I am talking about thousands of hours! Ever since I first bought it over 10 years ago when I was like 12 or so. And we pretty much always played together. I mean, it’s an RPG, so you have to spend a lot of hours for even one walkthrough, and we finished this game so often, we stopped counting at some point.
I remember that I ONCE played one walkthrough on my own, and I think Marco once, too, tried a game alone, but he did not finish it, because this games was OUR game and it wasn’t even half as fun without our brother. Hell, we once even leveled our characters up to the maximum level of 99. it served no real reason, it was just for the sake of things.
We also played the sequel a few times, but nothing has ever beaten the “original” for us. The 4th game in the series never made it to the EU/Pal region, so none of us ever played it. I tried playing the PSx spin-off Legend of Mana and he tried the GBA spin-off Sword of Mana, but those weren’t the real deal for us. And it is a shame that he will never be able to play Seiken Densetsu 4. but I will. For him. Some day, and think of Marco.
But I don’t think I will be able to play Secret of Mana ever again. So it will remain my favorite game of all time.
The last time we played it was throughout the whole last year and a couple of months prior. We tracked down a hack version called Hard Secret of Mana, which was extremely difficult and only meant for SoM geeks like us. Still we needed more than one year to finish the sucker. And we had a great time playing it. And I am so glad we finished that last bit of that game. That was like the ultimate thing we could have done, and how I knew my brother he could not have possibly killed himself without finishing this…
one thing we played after that was Borderlands. We kinda gifted us this game last christmas and played throughout the next two months. And yeah, we actually both finished everyt four characters with both walkthroughs – makes 8 walkthroughs in total. And nothing left to do ingame.
So well, I will stop at this point. I could write forever about it, but that would not serve any good, especially to you, fellow reader. I thank you for your patients so far and hope to have enlighten you.
More to come.

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last modified: 2010-Nov-29, 21:41:23
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