8106
the world through the eyes of sweet melancholy. about the arts, science, and personal affairs.
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recent week

haven’t done this in weeks, but a personal blog entry had to be on the way.
please don’t understand this post as some sort of mourning outlet of some kind in which i ramble about unimportant things of my life to make others feel bad for me. it’s not the case. and actually i am still quite well.
let me just tell you about stuff, and when things tend to get depressive of some sort, that’s because of the facts and i don’t mean to  focus on it or such.

this is for my friends who care about me. if you’re still reading, this means you like me and i like you for still liking me. thanks for your interest.

as you know my greatest wish for future developments would be to study photography. being an artist, being able to express myself beyond the capability of text and speech – it’s just too important for me. applying at art schools is an important thing for me in which i put hell of a lot of efforts in. and money. and for the smallest of hopes to get accepted. most commonly at the Kunstakademie in Düsseldorf or the Hochschule für bildende Künste in Hamburg. most of the other possibilities have been rejected by me for obvious reasons.
you probably know about all the stuff that happened to me and what great amount of change i have been through recently. of course this heavily touched my intentions in life and what i want and such. right now i still have the feeling that even good friends tend to judge me by old standards, and it hurts me when someone does that in a case i personally think should be obvious to everyone who knows me, that i simply do not work the way i am expected to work like. if you got this at all…
sure i still have a lot of flaws – and guess what, having flaws is too human to be a bad thing in general. from the beginning i always said i can and will change a lot – i still do – but some things i can hardly do on my own. i expect my friends to help me develop those few things which i have problems with dealing on my own. but what i was trying to say, even if you see some ‘old me’ flashing through once in a while, this does not mean you can judge me by something i am not anymore. i changed a lot, trust me on that. even if you don’t always see it. i know it’s VERY hard to accept obvious changes in our environment. the human brain is kinda programed to ignore stuff like this, so i can’t blame anyone.

anyway, sorry i got dragged away.
well, by todays standard i had to scratch some plans from my agenda, like willing to move into another country (to study or such). i have a big urge of being closer to my family, due to recent events, so i don’t really want to move away any further than i am now. Düsseldorf is not too much away, but everything beyond this distance… nah, not with me, please.
Berlin is out of question, because my mother forbids it. i usually ignore this kind of wish, but well, in this particular case i can’t. and i can live with that order. leaving me with only two city options to live in: Düsseldorf and Hamburg. those are the cities i am focusing on right now.

Düsseldorf has some major advantages, one of them being all the friends i made here. even if i sometimes act like i am ignoring them, it’s not the case. also i already live here. the job market here is great and the art scene, too. the academy is my main goal.
Hamburg is nearer to my parents. it’s equally good as a city as Düsseldorf is. the job market may be a BIT better, but pretty much on the same level. the art school there is on position two of my preferences. and i don’t know anyone there, but moon flower… and she is a factor i cannot simply ignore, sorry friends.
i’d make my decision dependable from the circumstances. if the school in Hamburg or Düsseldorf accepts me, that’s like deus ex machina moment i can’t refuse. and getting a good job would be a major decision making point, too, of course. right now i haven’t got much money, but if the case is drastic, i can still get what i want. depends on the urgency of things.

so, i spend a few days working on my portfolio for Hamburg. i spend like 140 euros on it, but it turned out to be my best physical portfolio ever. it’s simply the best i could create. i handed it over last friday and the results will be out in one or two weeks. Düsseldorf is due in may or june. wish me luck!

originally i was planning to visit my family somewhen in february. but the portfolio thing got me by surprise so i had to put it back a bit. i planned to go this week, but recent events had made me change my plans again. forcing me to finish my portfolio one week prior to my agenda.
see, each member of my family has some serious stuff going on right now, which makes all my already minor problems even more dispensable than they already were. i mean sure, i don’t have a job, my art stuff is like on a big hold (=writer’s block) and please don’t even get me started with my completely fucked up love life (gosh, all those mistakes… make me feel dizzy), but regarding all the other stuff that happens around me i feel lucky for having those problems.

i don’t know how much into detail i can go here without exposing my family members for things they don’t want to be  made public. i’ll try to keep it short and anonymous, if necessary.
my grandmother had a tumor one and a half years ago, and since then she is taking chemo therapy. she is taking it pretty well, but it’s still a horrible thing to witness. she gets so weak and pale, and she’s always in such pain. since this and the thing with my brother happened, all the other members of my family, except for me, seem to be on a downward path. my grandpa has some major health issues lately, he has been in hospital a few times and some operations behind him. the last one should have been done two weeks ago, but complications occurred. this is by the way one major reason for me to decide on making my trip one week earlier. but everything is still fine, as it has been put on hold for now. turns out he weights too little and has to gain weight first, but he just won’t eat…  strange bad thing to experience, i can tell you.
also not great to see is that my parents still have problems getting over the death of my brother. i feel kinda bad that i am over it. my mother still has nightmares and such, and all the  homeopathic witchery she is going through obviously doesn’t help that much. gosh, all the silly stories i heard… unbelievable. and since nearly one year has passed since then, my father seems to get into some sort of middle age depression or such, what do i know what this is.
another family member has decided not to be able to deal with all his problems on his own and  institutionalized himself. i visited him last week. it was strange, but at least good to see that he is in good hands and everything will be all right. from all the patients there he may be the last one to have to be there, but hey, his decision. at least he is on his way to recovery, unlike the others.

so all this keeps me in a divided state of mind. on the one hand all this makes me want to be around my beloved family more often, and on the other hand it’s an exhausting thing to do that. i can’t stand this for more than a week. i will certainly visit them more often in the future, but for less amounts of days. it’s not a good thing to happen to me right now, because i already have a problem focusing on what is important. i have made mistakes; i don’t completely blame the circumstances for me failing to do the right decisions, but they are also not innocent in everything.

i wish i had some sort of ‘escape person’ to be able to go to, to temporary forget about all this. someone to be able to talk to, listen to, feel close – physical and psychical. i tend to get dragged into things and i so need distraction to get a higher point of view, to make my decisions more objective. i don’t want to accidentally make things even worse. not again.
still, i don’t think i should complain, because basically i am all fine. i mean sure, things are bad, but not exactly for me personally, right? there is nothing directly affecting me that won’t get better over time. nothing i can’t get over.

my love, i will always have this feelings for you. i am thinking about you a lot.
and i know why you are afraid of the possible outcome of things, but trust me, waiting for things to change is a bad option.
i only want things to get better.

i have horrible headaches for some days now, and since yesterday also my back is killing me. unusual pain, even for me.
i should get back into focusing on finding a new job, and also looking forward for my next portfolio. i may also try to apply for Dortmund and Essen, in the will of changing schools in case they accept me. i guess this will distract me somehow.


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last modified: 2011-Mar-06, 15:35:51
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comments (1)

  1. Marina Loop | 2011-Mar-14, 11:06:51 | Reply

    Darf ich hier eigentlich auf deutsch schreiben?
    was ist damit: du holst das abitur nach und studierst was-du-willst — außer freischaffende Kunst *schulterzuck*. was ist Mit Anglistik (weil du Sprachtalentiert bist), Philosophie (weil du für alles offen bist) oder irgendwas im Bereich Mathemathik, Wirtschaft oder Management (weil du dann auf deinem GTA aufbauen und wichtiger für Werbeagenturen werden könntest).
    Ich denke das du schon ein Künstler bist, aber das waren viele andere auch, und erst nach ihrem tot hingen die Bilder an den Wänden der Regierungsbeamten und Museen dieser Welt. Es ging hunderten so wie es dir geht, das darfst du nicht vergessen. Und du darfst dich von diesen Akademien nicht einschüchtern lassen. Selbst wenn dich keiner annimmt: mach weiter. ABER vergiss außerdem nicht das du dutzende andere Möglichkeiten hast glücklich zu werden.
    Wenn du auf die Uni in DD gehst verlierst du deine Freunde nicht, kannst dich (fast kostenfrei) weiterbilden und deine qualifikationen verbessern. Vor diesem Leben steht nur ein Jahr Abitur nachholen, oder seh ich das falsch?

    Das mit deiner Familie wird schon. Du darfst nur nicht melancholisch werden, du musst stark sein, für dich und deine Familie! Und das kannst du nur erreichen wenn sich etwas in deinem Leben ändert.


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