so yeah, you may have noticed a slight lack of blog posts recently – i bascially haven’t posted anything during the past, i don’t know, 3 months or so. of course, this has reasons. to keep up, i want to recap my past few months, what i am at right now and what the near future will bring me. why are you reading about this, instead of talking to me in person? hopefully, we are about to find out…

 

“I’m not doing so good right now.” (Scott Pilgrim)

yeah well, to be honest, this blog entry will again get a little bit depressing and all. i would like to believe it’s mostly based on what i did of my reality, but no, it’s the usual crap that happened to me. why i am so much full of bad luck, i don’t know. Marina keeps on saying this will all ‘unload’ back at me – all the shit that happened will kinda be released in an equal amount of luck, some day. Liz keeps saying i just have to sit through it and wait, which i guess is not very different from what Marina said.
also be aware that at some point in this blog entry i might seem to bash YOU, in person. so i will apologize in front of it, because it’s REALLY not what i am trying to do here. i want to just write down FACTS of my life, and you do whatever you want to do with these. and if i have a general complaint about a behavior structure most of my friends  obviously have in common and which is affecting me badly, please consider NOT blaming me for blaming you, but your own actions – or don’t mind at all, this will work, too. anyway, you will see what i mean, if you keep on reading this.

 

sixty five days of static

i kinda stopped doing a lot of stuff i was working on when i found a job, again, back in april. too bad it did not last for long, since this was kinda really fun and all. was the best job i ever had, and sadly enough it only lasted for a bit over two months top. i was working for a big advertising agency as a web designer, and to my own surprise the work was really good. i always thought it would bore the hell out of me, but nah, they gave me so much freedom, i actually felt satisfied on an artistic level. no one questioned my methods or told me how to do things, as long as the result was good. and yes, i did some cool things there and pleased everyone. so why did i got fired after only two months? budget cuts.
yes, how stereotypical this sounds, stuff happens. boss’s boss decided the whole position is not worth the money and dropped it completely, and me with it. everybody was angry at him, especially since he decided that behind the back of my direct boss, who was on vacation on that week! lunacy, i tell ya!
i took it quite calmly, because obviously there wasn’t much i could have done about it. and quite frankly, it’s mostly THEIR loss, not mine. i can find a new job, but they won’t find another me.

 

How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart)

the most devastating thing that happened with me recently was sort of the last episode that happened with me and Moon Flower.
yeah, you probably just rolled with your eyes or sighed or whatever, for a reason, but well… that one’s kinda hard to describe. and you know what, i won’t bother you here with that. i am more thinking about doing the following:
since my last book, How To Stay Alive (With A Broken Heart) did not really have an ending or something alike – it just kinda STOPPED – i am thinking of doing a last and final chapter, catching up with the recent, really important happenings, and wrapping up the whole thing, then re-publishing it in a ‘final version’ or whatever.
let’s for now just leave it that way: tears have been shed, a lot. i can hardly describe how broken i am, concerning Moon Flower. and everything happened one week before i got fired.

 

“Keep your head above the water, but don’t forget to breathe.” (Alexi Murdoch)

i am kinda glad that me getting fired did not have anything to do with Moon Flower at all (for a change…). i can see how one could believe that, but facts state otherwise. but the timing was really bad again.
so i was there, no job and my love life broken into pieces, alone again in my apartment and feeling really and really happy at the same time. after all, i stay above all those things, since i still got my health and my stuff and friends maybe and what else. but yeah, it was kinda hard to focus on the good things, while bad things tried to eat me all the time. i really tried to just keep my head above the water.
i also welcomed the new freetime, i was already missing a lot. i missed the time to blog and the time to play games and watch series and meet friends and work on private projects, keep up with homepages and try out photography projects i had in mind. so i TRIED to focus on that, but, well…

 

“Friends don’t sell whine, when there are words to sell.” (Interpol)

i was fighting to cope with the shit i honestly did not earn at all. i think of myself as a more helpful and open and obliging person, so it is kinda hard to me to live with the thought that it (yet) did not pay out in any way so far. whether i welcome the bad luck (on a masochistic, subconscious level) or if i actually collected enough karma to have something really good happen for a change. it’s just hard. and i made NO attempt to keep this a secret. i told friends, a lot of friends actually, how bad things kinda are – keeping that dumb smile of mine…
i thought a good way to cope with things is by distracting me for some time until i have some distance from all of it, to keep an objective point of view. but for a simple reason that did not really work so well: as it turned out most of my friends are not that close to me as i thought them to be.
and please do not feel offended or anything – if you are reading this you are a friend and i, in fact, love you. i accept you and your character traits, even if they are bad ones. like being totally selfish and ignorant. i love you for your good traits – and yes, all my friends have some really awesome positive traits. i feel happy to befriend some of you that others don’t even appreciate of. like, i can see the positive things in you, that others obviously don’t see.
but still, here is what is mind-cracking: please ask yourself HONESTLY one question. read the question and stop reading any further for a minute or so and actually THINK about it for some time. What have you done for me recently?
when i lost my job and my love, where have you been. what did you do to help me come over this. have you just chatted with me for 20 minutes and spoke your condolence to me, just passively doing nothing in particular. because here is my experience: most of you did exactly NOTHING to help. or even worse, and that is the point that really hurted me: i invited people over for doing stuff, i wanted to do a lot of stuff, like film evenings and going out to clubs and stuff like that. and i asked a lot of people – and it is already bad enough that i have to make fucking appointments when i want to see a friend of mine ONE WEEK PRIOR or something – it’s even worse when nobody ever shows up. this, guys, hurts. a lot. and it’s not even a thing i kept secret.
like, in the first week i invited a lot of people to watch movies with me, and two people came.  next week one person came.
see, i don’t question you have had your reasons – if you are a selfish person with his own freaking problems who can’t deal with my shit right now, or if you have a actual legit reasons to ignore me in time of needs, like actual an date that is more important (i know there are and i know that some of my friends had those) – that is not my point. my point is, imagine you have to cope with bad shit happening, and you just want to be with friends all the time, but even if you invite them over ONE WEEK in advance, they still don’t come for whatever reasons – MULTIPLE times a week, for months! and instead of having friends helping you distract you from  your problems, you just end up alone in your apartment, waiting for nothing to happen.
and that, my friends, WAS hard.

i personally think of myself that i am there for my friends, when they need me. your well-being is more important to me than my own, and when someone wants to be with me, just for the sake of not wanting to be alone, i fucking let everything i do just be and to hell with my ego, because it’s less of importance right then. if it’s another thing in your life, i can’t blame you. and please don’t think i actually do, because i don’t. if you feel your own wealth is more important than mine, than that’s the way things are.
so yeah, i was very happy when someone actually had some attention for me left. i am thankful for Marina and Alex, since they were the only people from who i got the feeling that they actually were THERE for me, if i wanted them to be. and recently Lauri kinda, too.that’s how it’s done, those are great friends and for the sole reason that i know we can actually count on each other. i wish our friendships to stay forever.
to all the others: think about it. being there for one another, accepting each other and value the others existence, even if we don’t agree with their perspective, that is what friendship is all about. if i can NOT count on you at all, the friendship is not worth that much, isn’t it? at least i am there for you, that’s what counts for me.

 

Future Perfect

what the near future will bring, i have no idea. i honestly have NO idea what to do with it. my goals are all kinda blurry now. i still hope to be accepted for the Kunstakademie, but this is still way too improbable. middle of august i can tell you more. but if that fails, again, i have options… but what are those?
what i kinda kept secret, but many guessed: i was about to move to Hamburg. but since i cannot stand the thought of living there without having any contact to Moon Flower, that is obviously out of the question now. what else is there? i could still go to (normal) university in Düsseldorf. or continue searching for jobs and hope to find a better one next time. or how about i start my own business? i think i could manage that. or how about i move to some foreign country and start all over there…? i dunno, things are weird. i guess i’ll just have to wait for now.

actually, my family is doing REALLY bad right now. let me write about my grandma, since you probably did not know about this:
two or three years ago my grandma has been diagnosed with cancer, and since then is fighting it. for some time that fight actually went surprisingly well, but then last when after my brother killed himself, things went bad all over my family, and as a part of this my grandma’s health got worse and worse. it’s really difficult for her, of course and it breaks my heart to see her like this. but yeah, there is no way of denying it and since my family is already talking about hospices and such, it’s about to get really, really bad…
i hate to think about it. how much bad things can a family endure? i haven’t even started with the medical condition of my grandpa and my uncle and so on… but yeah, whatever… just so that you don’t wonder what happened with me if i from one day to another kinda vanished or something, for some weeks. i agreed with my mother, that she will tell me when the situation gets worse and things start to wrap up (you know what i mean), so i will drive over to be with my family when time comes.

 

what i have been up to.

okay, sorry for keeping the mood so down in this post. it’s kinda hard NOT to do that, facing the facts.
i kept myself busy, distracting myself from everything, and started doing useless stuff, like playing games and watching series. i finished watching The Outer Limits, AnoHana, caught up with the whole series of Firefly (which is AWESOME btw), am now watching and reading Chobits (finally to the end) and planning on watching The Sopranos. i also finished reading Persepolis.
so yeah, but i haven’t done a lot of arts lately. some projects just drag itself for weeks and months now, but i can’t bring myself to do anythin useful. i am very proud about doing the whole artwork for Cell’s new EP, “Evolve”, which you can buy on his homepage http://iamcell.com, or just ask me for sending it to you. there are even physical copies available to buy, so this may be the greatest thing i ever created. too bad none showed any real interest in the project, but whatev. i love the result and am kinda proud for a change (which does not happen a lot).

also i kinda embraced on my randomness. since for once i realised this is a great character trait of mine, based on my humor, and generally a good thing for me to cope with things, i no longer hide my random being. i freaking love a lot of weird shit and i pretty much don’t care enough anymore to hide it and whatever. i confused the hell out of most of my friends with my recent likings, but i really don’t feel like hiding it anymore. i feel very good about this and want to show this. if you can’t deal with some of it or even found yourself in the position of loosing a slight amount of respect for me because of some of it, you’re just dumb.
like yeah, i love weird shit. like trashy sci-fi, melancholic stuff, My Little Pony, toe socks, weird colors, alternative erotica, Girls’ Generation, and basically everything only a few people on earth like. i see this as a vast thing about myself that speaks for my openness and welcoming new things to widen my horizon. if you judge me by one of the things i like you will just miss-lead yourself and focusing on the wrong thing, since none of those things actually represents anything about me in a specific way you try so hard to see me in. i don’t work that way.

 

ADRIEN BRODY ADRIEN BRODY ADRIEN BRODY ADRIEN BRODY

since i don’t work anymore and have the time to spend an awful lot of time on the internet, i hang out a LOT on Synchtube. a lot of people still don’t know about it, so i’ll just assume you don’t know what it is, so i’ll try to explain: it’s some sort of channel based chat in which the users watch YouTube (and Vimeo) videos together. there is one leader who has control of the playlist and usually is also a mod, and people can add their videos to the playlist. in the channels i hang out, we’re all /b/tards, so it’s full of random shit. if you don’t even know what a “4chan” is, please don’t even mind what i am going to talk about. and if you do, you’ve been warned!!
the community i am part of, and a higher mod, is Babby’s. it kinda became like the main channel of 4chan’s /b/ and is mostly the most famous channel on Synchtube – and since i am one of the main moderators there, i feel kinda important. the URL for our main channel is http://www.synchtube.com/r/babby - but like i said, we’re all a bunch of nutcases there. videos there have a WIDE range of content, starting at random internet memes, weeaboo shit, horse castration videos, stuff that appears to got created while on drugs, and whatev. random it is. and also we sometimes watch movies and series, which is kinda cool i guess. my own channel is, surprise surprise, http://www.synchtube.com/r/tsubaka - but this is inactive as fuck. i just added a shitload of my youtube faves to the playlist and have it on tv mode.

recent active sites of mine, beside Synchtube, are probably my YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/akiras2slow, of course my Tumblr http://sweetmelancholy.tumblr.com, and very recently i also am on Steam http://steamcommunity.com/id/msfk

 

“it was on my watch when the creature struck, i’m sorry” (Tall Ships)

well, let’s better get this post to an end. it’s far too long already. i’ll just close with a few short thoughts.
i thought things would brighten up when i distract myself for some time, but actually no. i just found myself to feel really miserable and all. my chronic headaches returned (did not have them for over a year), and recently i cannot sleep… at all. am awake for days, tired, but unable to sleep. and i can’t get myself to do anything of value. not even eating. i think i already lost a bunch of kilos again. i try to keep a positive mind about things an strongly believe in things to get better. someday.
but for now i just AM. waiting, in grief. missing my Moon Flower. unable to cry. and still kinda enjoying the silence and calmness around me. i don’t know. it’s hard. i just deal with things. and i am sorry for whatever i brought upon you or myself.
i’ll write the final chapter of How To Be Alive soon. i am looking forward for two weeks at my parents, and spending time at the beach. pondering about my future, thinking about my love, wasting more time, hoping and waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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