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these days

okay, how do i begin with this…

i want to tell about how my mind works around these days. try to find words to describe it and make the few people who read this (i assume this will be 1 to a max of 5 people) understand what’s up with me. at least a bit more than usual.
i stepped back of sharing my issues with others, or at least i try to. yes, i have learned that not neccessarily everyone around my wants to solve their problems and finds it a good thing to try to. those who know me know also about my urge of solving every problem that is about me or people i love. and let’s face it: this has ever been a problem to all of you. but i have to reject, i’ll give my best to accept that some problems don’t want to be solved at all. (i am still there for everyone of you.)
for me personally it never really made sense that friends actively deny to help other friends, just to shield themself from bad things. but today i understand this concept and i really should try to imitate that behavior. i have let too much shit into my brain, and i can’t handle the sheer mass of it anymore. this is what you all kept yourself away from. so far, so good.

how do i feel these days?
i never had so much problems answering this small question. for one simple reason: i have no clue.
everything around me shifts, fades, morphs so fast and randomly, i totally lost track of what is happening. i have done so much stuff during the past two weeks, and it seems that every few days my state of mind is the one of somebody else. do i feel happy? yes. do i feel sad? also yes. ask me again in a few hours.
problem is: i don’t know what of all the things i do is right or wrong. i learned that keeping my mind occupied with joy things does really help me. being around others, too. basically i would say that i am happy right now, but as i still have only solved like 5% of my prior problems i can’t really justify why i am happy. to this comes i feel extremely instable right now. i have been around people for two weeks now, and it only took me one day to fall back into a depressive state that i know far too well. and i don’t know.

remember when i said i lost the ability of knowing myself? well, the problem got worse. still don’t know if this is good or bad. probably both.
i always knew what was going on with me, but when things got totally apeshit some months ago something in my head imploded and i started to act and feel and think stuff i did not understand. pretty much everything lost its sense. and today… it’s worse than ever.
i feel so happy and so sad, things go up and down, left and right. there are the nice things in my life, there are the bad things. and no balance what-so-ever.

oh yeah, “balance” is a good word for describing what i think i miss the most during these days. since i lost any ability of judging the mass of good and bad on both sides of the scale, i can’t make out how all is balanced. so it’s logical that i don’t know how to feel about all this, right?
and this worries me, even though it’s a big advantage to my prior states. and it has to worry me. what is actually bad and good in my life?

i go out, drink, dance, waste money, meet friends, then again i save money, stay at home, play games, watch series and movies. i read about sad things, i hear to melancholic music, i get angry for no particular reason, i drive alone to concerts. i drive around to other places, visit people and family, i drive too fast and get caught. i care about it, and then again i don’t. do i keep on with doing photography involving models, or do i fixate myself on abstract grunge. or stop making photography and finally start making music.
everythings changes so much and fast. and i can’t judge what is good and bad anymore. but i feel good. i like doing ALL of the things above.

what i fear at most these days would be that it turns out that my only real problem has ever been being alone.
i have spend so much time on my own, it’s not funny anymore. when someone is around me, no matter who, i instantly feel well in my skin. and everything’s fine. but as soon as i realise how alone i am (once again, i hope this is an illusion) everything around me comes down on me. especially the ceiling makes a very unstable impression to me. and the walls are crumbling.
and then i think about all the people i know who are also alone quite often and live quite well with it. i seriously can not understand why somebody who is alone should reject the offer of a friend of coming by and doing stuff. i experience this so often, like with EVERYONE i know. and i don’t understand this behavior. am i this annoying?? i always thought of myself as a warm kind of guy with whom you can do pretty much everything. at least i am not annoying enough to justify this behavior, so it must be something else. but what exactly is beyond me.

strange thing is, when i feel alone i do not hunger for the things i do when i feel good. i hunger for talking to somebody, being around somebody. watching a movie, talking, cuddling, going for a walk, making art together, discussing, touching, laughing… kinda all stuff like that. the more calm and romantic things are what i miss. just feeling good together and not worrying about stuff… all are fun things, but things i rarely do these days. the other fun things kinda keep my occupied, but it more feels like waiting for something to happen i REALLY want.

eh, enough self-pitiness. i feel so sick proof-reading this… i don’t really want to hear it, and you don’t really want, too, am i right?
i can’t end this text without giving you the subtle feeling that i think you should feel guilty, what in reality is not the case, so i will just stop here.

last modified: 2010-Nov-29, 0:05:09
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