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8106 › good night sweet prince, part 2.
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let me talk about the other part of the story.
on special demand (haha) this article is all about one special person. she helped me through this hard times, and even though together we made the situation unintentionally more complicated than it already was, i don’t regret any of the things we did.

it’s hard to start at a point and i don’t want to go into detail, because this article could without any problem be a myriad of words long. so i will start when all went serious, back some months when she finally broke up with her friend, my best friend who, at this point, already gave up on me.
even though i always liked her and my friend already hurted me so damn hard (seems he gave up on our friendship a long time ago…) i always tried to help their relationship. she asked me alot and could really use some help, but i couldn’t do much as HE didn’t really wanted to talk to me. and as he himself was the major problem in their relationship the best i could do was to help both to keep their relationship only last a little longer than it would have been without me. i guess.
well, both were my friends, i wanted the best for them, without taking care about my personal feelings about all this.

so, they broke up. he did not want to talk to me about certain things even though he lived through some very harsh times, and i felt really sorry for all this. and his now ex-girlfriend and i were even closer after this, what is more than logical i think. i mean she was pretty much hurt for herself and the whole break-up-thing was way to much for her to carry. so i did what was in my opinion the best: helping her.
we spent more time together during the next few days and weeks and found out what we already know somehow: that we liked each other quite a lot. i won’t go that far of bringing the term love into it, because that simply would’nt sum it up. maybe if times weren’t that hard for me i could have felt real love, but still… i thing it’s me. i simply can’t love anything or anyone right now. i don’t know how she felt all the time, at least i can tell she always liked me. how much is still a big riddle for me, as she doesn’t share that type of information with others. but that wasn’t important at all.
what WAS important is that we both got the comfort we so bitterly needed – from each other. i was so alone and needed at least one person to hear to me, and she was there for me. and the other way around it’s the same thing. so i really got lucky that the only person who wanted to help me with my problems was a person i really liked a lot. and i think it’s quite the same with her, just the other way around.

at home things got even more worse for me, as other friends now completely turned on me. and work really pissed me of, because i somehow realized i got the job i always feared of having. at some point i really needed some time-out, so of course i decided to just visit her for a weekend. i really had nothing big in my mind, i just wanted to get my mind occupied for a while and be with someone who actually showed me that somebody cares about me. that’s all. i did not intend anything else, because to be true: i didn’t ever expect anything at all at this point.
meaning: how should i expect anything when everything i did turned out to be one false step after another. when even being true to one person for like 15 years turns into a reality in which this one person doesn’t trust you anymore… what was left to expect? so i didn’t care much about anything, because i simply welcomed EVERY positive aspect that crossed my way. not regarding how little positive this thing would be at all.

so we spent a great weekend together, talking a lot, driving to some places, doing this and that, had some nice sex and beautiful hours of cuddling and enjoying each other. of course with bitter thoughts in our subconscious. we knew it would hurt our common friend, but none of us was going to lie to him, because we both loved him.
although at least we both knew that what happened between us was really JUST between us and had nothing to do with anybody else, especially her ex-boyfriend aka my best friend, but we both also knew he wouldn’t be logical enough to understand the situation in its complexity and surely will get mad at us. but hell, we both were hurt and alone and just needed this. we both cried about the situation, the whole thing had a really bitter sweet taste comming along with it.

as for me i still welcomed the whole situation. i can’t even remember when i spent such a great time, even though it had this negative shadow all over us at all the time. see, THIS BAD has reality been to me. i even accepted to piss off my best friend just to finally get some love which i so needed.
and i so underestimated the reaction my friend. he totally went nuts and wasn’t even half way able to face the truth, as i expected him to be able to. i thought this through so many times, but this extreme illogical reaction just was way to much. i couldn’t see this coming. so i am very sorry for what happened, but like you guessed: he still didn’t want to talk to me.

this all was two weeks ago.
after this weekend my world simply went all dark and i wasn’t able to do anything at all.
she was the only positive light i had left. but she would stick to our friend, instead of me. when it comes to the decision – me or him – she would chose him over me. and i totally understand this. i would, and already have, chose the same thing.

~short intermezzo: right now my iTunes plays Mew – She Came Home For Christmas, and for me this is somehow our song. when i drove back home it was this song to which i completely bursted out into tears about the whole situation. hard to concentrate right now…~

so, there we are now.
the whole situation hasn’t been unveiled yet. my best friends still hate me. nobody is really interested in me, but one person. i really like her a lot, but she just won’t open herself to me. she doesn’t even want to see me again until me and my friend sorted out this problem. but i never was in the position of not knowing at least one possible way out of a situation, hence i can’t solve my problems with him right now. meaning i don’t know what i can do to see her again or at least getting anything clear between us.
i so wish everything to get okay soon.
she is such a great person, with so much potential and so much love to give, even though she hasn’t realized it yet. and when people don’t understand my attraction to her, this can only mean they closed their eyes from the obvious. i would like to say i don’t blame them for this, but that would be a lie. because all you people who decided to hate me after all we have been through, drove me more and more into this particular situation.

love and miss you all.
this one’s for you, Netti. thanks for all you’ve done, it may not be the best decisions we made, but at least they were the right decisions. love you a lot.

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last modified: 2010-Nov-28, 12:35:39
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