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8106 › my year of 2010 in a nutshell
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and now to something more personal. what were i doing during the past few months?
i won’t cover the first few months, as i already did this in quite a detail, and of course there is still one month to come, so it’s more like a “half the year, between one month before it ends and the 6 months prior to now”-post >_<

the death of my brother changed a lot, of course. especially in myself. since then people keep telling me that i have changed an awful lot since then (in a good way), and recent events showed me that those changes have been more intense than i myself could perceive.
if my brother showed me anything, than how to come over most of my depressions. 2009 and the start of 2010  has been a real bitch and i did a lot of stupid things, but most of all being a depressive mess, not realising that is was mostly me who dragged himself into this deep hole. but with april/may this year i came to realise a lot of stuff, leading me to come to peace with most of the shit that was bothering me.
the most important thing i learned was the nonrelevance of most of the things i (and we all) get dragged down from. like, fuck you stupidity, fuck you loneliness, fuck you desperation, fuck you anxiety – you know what? you don’t matter, get lost.
and hey, this made me a far more positive person. i pretty much had no interest in all the stuff that bugged me. i should not live to concentrate on the bad things in life, it’s the GOOD things that should keep us all going on.

and i started to become happy again. finally.
i wanted to show others my new attitude by changing my outer appearance. i wasn’t happy the way i looked like, anyway, and was looking for a change for a long time, but never had the balls to make harsh decisions. but my new ‘fuck you angst’ approach on things made the rest for me. i did cut my hair, even dyed it to a brighter color, got rid of my heavy black boots and overall dark appearance, started to wear colors again, which i did not for the past 10 years. and yeah, it felt GREAT. i never felt so great in my own skin since… ever. i am now me.

oh, and i finally lost weight. well, i already did loose a lot of kilos prior to the events in april, but it felt easier afterwards. last christmas i had like 90kilogams, now i am at around 55 or so. and YES i know that’s not enough and i should start gaining weight again, but hey that’s more difficult than loosing it.
did i just say that? yes. and i mean it.
because it is just a matter of attitude. IF you have the right attitude and don’t give a fuck about certain things, you loose interest in satisfying your own need for nutrition. it’s kinda like with Buddha, knowledge can manage to kill off your need for unnecessary things, like eating like a pig. and after some months your stomach has reached a smaller size and your  need for food is permanently on a lower scale.
i may have reached a point were my need is too little. i eat two toasts and am saturated for half the day, that’s just not healthy at all, but trust me, i know that and i am working on it, so please don’t worry.

another great thing that happened was that i fell in love with someone, really deep and honest. did not expect that and it felt good to be able to feel something like this again. i could not feel something like that intense for such a long time.
plus, she was my muse. as an artist i am really depending on things that inspire me, and tell you what: being in love is like a fountain of creativity running through your veins.
okay, this is a major topic and will take a post for itself, so i better stop writing about it now. i WILL give it a longer text on it’s own, promised.  my love deserves an own article ; )
and well, even if it recently got a nasty and depressive turn, it was an overall good thing to happen.

so, in the beginning of summer i found me a nice job, which – for a change – i liked. i worked as a (web) designer and photographer in a portrait studio in Düsseldorf.
and even though my photogaphic talent was… well, to say the least, not used well, it was a nice job. and especially nice to work with people who actually LIKED me was a fresh change. what i did there was basically every minor design stuff that had to be done, starting at usual re-construction of price charts and displays, up to the development and maintenance of web pages. i also did photogaphs, but mainly boring passport photos.
i got fired last week, but that’s not too bad. i sure miss working there, and i miss my colleagues, but it simply did not work out for me there. i had a great boss, and we got on with another really well, but only on a personal level. on a working level it was a mess. but i guess it was mostly me, not being compatible with him, but also his fault. i could not work well under the conditions i have been given – he did not have a clear workflow and was a pain in the ass when it came to the conception of tasks. always changing his mind, forgetting a lot of stuff, not knowing exactly what he was taking about, being VERY inconsistent, and so on. i mean, he hired me for the reason that i had knowledge of things he could not have, so you might think he would LISTEN to me, but noooo, i am stupid and don’t know  jack about how a firm works. fine, he does know more than me, that’s for sure, but that gave him the impression, that he knew more than me in EVERY topic, even stuff like web development and coding and social networking and SEO and such…
what i really could not work with was the way he/we got into a certain project. i would have liked a specification of the final project and a whole lot of freedom in the creation process, so i can let my creativity flow. when he wanted a personal homepage, it worked really well, because he did not expect anything and gave me only one direction, and the result turned out to be really neat, and i am proud of the final webpage.
but with most of his “ideas” the workflow was like the following: he wanted something, but did not exactly know what. he trusted me that the result would be good, but only gave me direction in SMALL STEPS. like telling me just one thing he would like to see realised and awaiting report with the far from being finished product. and then the same again, one small hint on how to approach farther and awaiting intermediate overview.
how i work is, you brief me on what you want, you let me fucking work, you see the result. optional advancement. but this step-by-step approach on projects does not offer enough freedom for me to work properly. and just because he had no idea what he wanted. he just had ideas and trusted in the unknown result of the idea, but could not give any beneficial info on it and stopped the workflow just for the sake of seeing it done and evolving the idea further for himself. this makes no sense if you let someone ELSE working on your idea. you should do this yourself then. but in my case he was not able to and needed me.

anyway, things did not work that way, and i would certainly have cancelled the job myself in a few weeks (after christmas maybe?). plus, i may have had the muse to be creative as an artist, but with the job in my neck i simply did not have the time! i felt great, but i could not do much with me when most of my time has to be consumed by my dayjob.
as a result i did not blog, all my webpage projects have been on hold, my photography was… well, lagging. i wanted to do stuff, i was really hyped. but the best thing i could come up with was dozens of grungy lo-fi works, which i at least am really good with! more on this topic in a separate post.
now i have some freetime again, and it feels really good, because i so needed this.

well, let’s cut the minor stuff that happened rather short.
i finally got me a guitar. i always dreamed about learning on how to make  music, and now i finally can. i don’t fool myself that it will be easy, no, i am well aware that i might not succeed – but nobody is rushing me and i will just try and try and try until i get the hang of it ^^
i went to concerts, because yeah, i fucking love concerts. i saw 65daysofstatic a few times. i loved seeing The Daredevil Christopher Wright, Horse Feathers and Tall Ships. and i went to some Goa events in and around Düsseldorf, because believe it or not, i love dancing, and i am not even that bad ^^
i met with my internet buddy Vesa Metsä-Ketelä to go on a museum-trip in Düsseldorf, and we saw a lot of really cool exhibitions. and later i helped him moving to Berlin. on that trip we got lost pretty well, i saw two cars crashing into one another (total damage), and my car stopped in the middle of the motorway, because it’s old.
i got hit by a car when driving home from work on my bicycle. i had no broken bones or anything, but i had to be x-rayed in the hospital and could not really walk for some days and have two scars leftover from this. and a new bike.

well, what else… ah, that’s enough for now. if i remember something else, i will make a new post about it.
i will certainly write about my arts and my love in an equal long article this week or so.

i am, at this point, just a little bit disappointed for not achieving all of the things i wanted to achieve by the end of this year. i made a small list, posted in on twitter:
1) buy me a guitar (CHECK). 2) get me a girlfriend. 3) do some awesome and finished art project.
okay, the year hasn’t ended yet, but i don’t think i can manage the last two points in this time ^^”

last modified: 2010-Dec-05, 16:41:59
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