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Nightmare II

well i better write this down, before i forget most of it.

see, i can barely remember any of my dreams. normally i only do if my dream gets interruppted, so i cannot really tell what i am dreaming about for most of the times. but for the few cases when i actually remember a dream it always is quite special and really weird.
first of all i rarely dream about ME. i am not in most of my dreams, for some strange reason. but IF i am, the dream always evolves around something very profounding that at the times is happening in my life. and mostly i have no problems analyzing it.
but the point is my dreams are always very weird and terrifying. i think this is caused by the fact that i have problems thinking about stuff, and tho do dealing with my problems when i am awake. there simply is no inner differences to fight with that i have to deal with in my dreams. maybe that’s also why i am not present in most of them.

anyway, i had a really meaningful and strange dreams two weeks ago that i would like to share with you.

the beginning of the dream is really fuzzy in my memories. i think it actually was that undefined.
i remember being back in school age. my class has planned a school trip on that day and i was looking forward to it. i got to school, met some friends, was talking about random stuff, and then we got off with a bus. the trip ended up at the street of my grand parents – in real life they have their golden wedding in a few weeks and i am really looking forward to it, so no big surprise my dream-me wanted to go to there. here we had some undefined fun. the dream kinda had this time-lapsing clip-show feeling to it in this moment, what is quite rare. we ended up lying on the grass in front of my grandparents house, looking at the sky, talking, feeling good. at some point i got very tired and actually had this moment were i closed my eyes and wasn’t sure if i have fallen asleep or if i just closed my eyes for a few seconds. before closing i remember the sunny, bright and blue sky, when opening them again everything suddenly was grey red-ish and cloudy and dark. i stood up and realized that i suddenly was all alone. the sun was suddenly very low and i realized i must have fallen asleep for some hours. and the other seemed to have forgotten about me or something.
very afraid of the current situation i walked into my grandparents house and asked them if they knew what has happened, but they couldn’t tell my anything and did not knew a thing. so i went out finding the others to find out what the hell was going on. and then this clip-show thingie started to happen again.
i remember finding one friend after another, but always only one at a time, and i asked them what happened. but they always seemed VERY distant, and kinda angry at me. nobody looked me in the eyes and everyone barely talk to me – if they talked at all. what they all had in common was that nobody really wanted to tell me what happened. it was like they were ashamed of something, or afraid. and i HAD something to do with me.
i got very lonely. the people i just had so much fun with suddenly hated me and no one wanted to tell me why and what i did wrong. some of my “closer” friends actually had some clues for me. apperently i once did something very weird, maybe something sexual disgusting or insulting or something like that. some action i myself tolerated but i did not know of that others would not. i did not feel guilty, not only because i did not knew what it was, but mainly because apperently i did not had a problem with it, but all the others. but i felt hurt that nobody did not even want to tell me what happened, so i could at least apologize for it or understand the sudden hate against me. forsaken i felt. and lonely.
the last friend i talked to, a girl i actually was in love with, once, had the heart to at least tell me a bit of reality i did not understand. “how did you get to school?” she asked me. i replied “ehm, with the bus i guess…” – “so you are not sure how you got to school? you don’t remember?” and i suddenly was more afraid then before, because i realized i have major holes in my memories regarding this WHOLE DAY. how did i get to school? were did we drive to? what did we do? i remembered a lot of feelings and emotions, but barely any happenings. what happened all the day, all the hours? it strucked me that something has been done to me. “do you really think that all this happened? we drugged you. because we were afraid” she said, turned around and also started ignoring me.
then i woke up.

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last modified: 2010-Nov-29, 18:55:03
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