I know it’s kinda clichée, but I like to re-evaluate my life once at the end of the year and try to come up with a few things for the next year to better said life. Especially this year this has become a very important thing to do, since this was an important year for me and things GOT to change. I am at a passage in my life where I just have to do a lot of changes and it’s been really hard on me to prioritice which changes would have to happen and which are less important.
This year I had to halt my long awaited freelance occupation because of a burnout in april and a forthcoming unability to work for the rest of the year. I am currently at a rehabilitation center to try to focus on my problems and come up with solutions, learn again how to relax, and this kinda stuff. And it’s not going too well.
My process of getting better will definetly take up most of 2019 and I have come to terms with that I have to de-prioritice certain elements that were always a problem with me, such as work and social interaction issues. I am sorry for other people that I can no longer focus on those things, but I really, really have to focus on myself for a bit before I can tackle those other issues. I guess you’ll understand.
For this sole reason I came up with the following list of new years resolutions. They are kinda weird, but I am writing this down so I can explain what I mean with every single point. I am looking forward for feedback!
Become more healthy
Well, obviously all of the goals I am making for myself have something do to with my health, both physically and psychologically. And tho I will really try to focus on myself as a whole, the physical aspect of my being is something I always tend to overlook. I am really bad at reading the signs my body gives me, hence I developed a bunch of psychosomatic symptons, that at this point in my life are virtually indistinguishable from my physical-only problems. That has to change.
So, I will try to focus on my physical health in order to having a better base for curing my mental issues. I have to loose weight, get some muscles in certain places (especially where I slipped my discs in the shoulder regions), have some sort of daily schedule, controlled meals and sleep cycle, and so on. let’s see what I can do!
Finish bachelor’s thesis
This is probably the most blurred of my goals, since so many aspects fall into the equation with tons of variables that I can not yet determine. Depending on how I move forwards job-wise, and how much time I can make, and what my wallet dictates, I will at least TRY to work out some options to FINALLY make my Bachelor of Arts. I am working on this for so many years now and I am certainly very good in my field and all I have to do is doing that final thesis. it’s a ton of work (at least 3 months full time), but i’ll try harder. Then at least I got something of relevance out of my studies.
Get a pet
you know I always wanted some sort of pet. I have a couple of ideas on what to get. And during the past few months all my psychotherapists agreed that having a pet greatly improves both mood and establishing a daily schedule. Plus I probably get excersice, be less alone, and generally learn a lot about things and stuff. I still don’t really know HOW to accomplish this goal – I have to go over my landlord’s head, I have to figure out how and if I can afford this, and if my future work (whatever that may turn out to be) will allow for it. But maaaaaaaan do I want a pet badly!
Get rid of debts
obvious candidate for next year’s goals is getting rid of all the monatary debts I did build up mostly in the past year. The burnout especially has put me in a financially difficult position. I have debts to the bank, to my beautiful friends, maxed out two credit cards, and some minor bills that have yet to be paid. And not to forget about my student loan. I don’t really know yet how I will manage to do make good for all of this, but having this huge burden in the back of my head is a major part of my daily dosis of stress. it’s keeping me from moving forward and plays into my depression and anxiety a LOT. I will still try to learn to make less of a big deal out of it and act relaxed about it, but I wanna be debt-free to the end of the year!
Do more drugs
okay, that sounds weird. But if you know me you know that I have a really positive attitude towards drugs in general. I am not in risk of becoming addicted to anything, nor of loosing control of my consumption habits, and I have to take advantage of this fact! At this point I will not defend the last statements and if you are critical of this (first: thank you for your honest concern!) please just trust me with this for now. And I will definetly not school you on the dangers of drugs and all that. Come on, use google. Do some research.
Anyways, I have good experience with weed and will try to have a bunch of stuff available at any time. It helps me with dealing with my depression and especially with my anxiety and it’s way better with helping me sleep, when things get worse. it’s healthier than prescription drugs, that’s for sure.
And every now and then I will try to have an acid or shroom day. In a controlled enviroment, with friends, and a control person to keep track of things. that’s how I roll. Those sessions always were some sort of small “reset” for my life that I went out of refreshed and more relaxed and with new enthusiasm, that I lack so very much these days. This will not be a reagular thing, but I want this more often in my life.
Play more video games
a great way to ground myself and find some cool, relaxing time out has been playing video games. Always has been. And with every growing year I find myself finding less and less time for them! What a shame! it’s my greatest hobby and what gives? I have so many games in my queue that wanna be played. I will find time for them.
Be more punk
this is more of an attitude thing that is supposed to help me close off from problems that should not be of my concern (see beginning paragraph). To distance myself from others seems counter-intuative maybe, but I just can’t anymore deal with other people’s problems anymore, at least not on the level I have concerned myself with the past couple of years. Even if I ACCIDENTALLY piss off someone, I can’t make myself anymore make me feel responsible for this. I will have to handle the fact that sometimes people will be pissed at me, will be disinformed, feel left out, be hurt for minor reasons, will need help – and i’m sorry, but i’ll just have to let those things slide. A bit. More. You know.
Getting that punk attitude and crank it to eleven will be my way of achieving this. If you already think I am open and direct and blunt and I swear too much and all that, I am sorry, but you gotta get used to those things, because they’ll become even worse in 2019! it’s for me and it’s not about you. I hope you understand?
(an example of what I mean: recently a person who has, according to what he acts like towards me, did let me know that he thinks of me as an anti-religious person with zero tolerance for other people’s believes. Of course, this is far form the truth and I have no idea where he got that impression from. My first instinct was certainly to school him on my REAL attitude about those things, correct this misunderstanding and correcting his views of me and basically start a huge discussion. I was hurt also and couldn’t stand this position I was basically forced into. BUT, then I realised: wait! I can toally live with that! Let him have that particular believe about me, it’s actually not that bad in comparison with all the other things he thinks good of me! I could let it go at least, but I should have made this process an instant one instead of letting it ruin my whole next day. If I have an approach that more matched my outer appearance (at the time of writing I have a bright red mohawk) this could have gone a much quicker route. Like, fuck this bullshit, i’m not giving in to that shit. You deal with that yourself, you idiot.)
Different reasons behind this one. For starters, I always felt like I never really dug into all the fetishes that I might like and might do good for me. Like, sure, I have done a couple of things that fall under the BDSM umbrella, but I never really made it a full attempt with serious intentions. I feel like I missed out on a bunch of things that might have been. I mean, I KNOW there are some fetishes i’d like to get more into, because I already know I am sorta into them. And who knows what’s beyond that…?
A ton of people I know encouraged me to try out more professional stuff, especially for one specific reason: mental health! Apparently, the biggest side effect of living out such things is a more stable and more happy mind. It is supposed to balance yourself, get to know yourself better (not only your body, but also the boundaries of your psyche), and it’s a good and safe way to blow off some steam. I feel like I need this kinda thing right about now. I have the means, I know the people, I have the ambition – why not do something with it already? i’m psyched!
Plus, the majority of the past two years I haven’t had much of a libido, because of the meds I was taking. Now that I am on different meds and now that they finally started working, my sex drive is back. Seems like good timing! I was gonna throw myself into dating and more actively seeking partners anyway. Yeah.
I don’t really don’t know what 2019 will bring me, but hell, I wanna influence this as much as I can. I really wanna change a couple of things, it’s about time. 2018 was one of the shittiest years of my life and that says a lot. I don’t really think it can, without major misfortune interfering, get worse. I don’t give two fucks about most things that bothered me before, or, no – I WANT to give no fucks anymore about those things. So I can finally focus on what is more important. me.