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why sunglasses are great

sunglasses are the best invention since tearproofed kitchen paper towels. in fact, they are so awesome, i wonder why they’re still called “sunglasses” and not, let’s say, “superglasses”, “imba specs” or “ULTRA pairs of glasses THE SHIT”?!

nah really, the name is so delusive, because they’re like allround usage tools, and not only to protect your precious eyes from direct sunlight. just think about for a second what sunglasses can do for you. it’s a lot of things! so many things that you should be ashamed that you never thought about what YOU could DO for the SUNGLASSES for a change. like giving them a non-misleading name, at least!

what can sunglasses do?
or better: what can sunglasses NOT do? protecting your eyes from the cruelty of an angry star called sol is of course a good thing. and have you ever spend like one week in the protection of your own four walls? when you go out after those days, even when the sun is not shining directly, the level of light will instantly kill you! so wear your goddamn glasses! because light, the silent killer, is everywhere!
even during nighttime it can get far too bright for the naked eye. like never look into the front lights of a car running towards you. sunglasses can even help you then, fuck yeah!

then there is a thing called “voyeurism”. ever bothered about people and their deadly stares? like why the hell do they hate you so much, they don’t even know you?! but no, then pass you by and just stare at you, imagining drowning you in the nearby lake. so put on your sunglasses, et voila, you barely see more than a blurry shape of the people in your direct surroundings. at best you only see their shadow, but the least thing that happens is that you don’t have to take their flashy stares!
and the other way around, people know that you wish them the same shitluck when you stare back. wouldn’t the world be a much better place if you could try to voodoo-stare pedestrians to death, without them noticing?? well, you get the point: on with your favorite pair of dark glasses and nobody will ever know you’re giving them the glare of doom, imagining them drowning in the nearby lake!

and heyh, the weather. yeah it sucks. not only the abomination of the cruel sun is an unwanted side-effect of natures existence, but also things like wind and rain and falling cactuses. shit like that.
and yes, your incredible sunglasses even protect you from this! fuck the sun in sunglasses, what about my windglasses? and the rainglasses? and the cactusglasses? put one on and you can even drive your bicycle with a hundred kilometers an hour through the city, avoiding pedestrians, drive-by your favorite rival gang, and not even have to blink, because your awesomeglasses protect you from wanting to blink! take this, wind! shut up, rain!

oh, and unforgetable is one important pro-sunglasses argument: hell are they cool or what.
even the dumbest sunglasses make you fool look at least slightly better. just ask Neo, he once was a blunt amateur in wearing glasses, but once put on a pair that suited him he instantly dropped out of the matrix, boosted by his sheer coolness!
and there are so many GENRES of glasses to choose from, so don’t come to me whining like “meeeh sunglasses suck, they all look stupid”, because nah, you’re stupid for not searching enough. so why are you still here and not on ebay buying an original pair of sunglasses that Trinity had in Matrix 2, for only a few hundred bucks! but i digest.
anyway, sunglasses look cool, no matter how ugly you are. even so, the uglier you are, the more you can hide, the greater the impact of the glasses, giving you a greater amount of awesomeness!!

so, what else we got…?
guess that’s all so far. just try to remember folks: don’t brake your precious eye-protectors and learn how to put them on in the most coolest way imaginable, so that you can freeze the time of your surrounding when doing so, because you look so damn good in them, have nothing to fear from anything at all, and you’re invisible now. and you just healed cancer.
that’s it, hope you had a fine read and more respect to shaded glasses now. bye.


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last modified: 2010-Nov-29, 0:26:17
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