everyone who expects something of me these days: SORRY, but please understand a little thing about me and the summer.
(cw: depression, anxiety, heat, summer, allergy, mention of suicide)
i have been prone to react negatively to extensive heat for quite some time already, and it’s becoming worse every year. since my body decided that it wants to deal with things by developing asthma and neurodermitis (also from birth i have a shit low pulse and blood pressure, except for when they’re too high??), this combined very well with my already stress-induced anxiety, to form a new thing for me to deal with: a heat allergy. yes, that’s a thing. you know that now.
so not only did heat and a following undersupply of oxygen in the air already fuck me up good, plus now come the meds into play. turns out specific kinds of anti-depressant not only “make you sweat every now and then”, as my doctors put it VERY MILDLY, no – they actually may (and in many cases do in fact) increase the bodily output of energy, meaning: EVERYTHING’S EVEN HOTTER. and no, it’s not just a feeling at this point, it’s a physical thing my body does. so i can’t just ’emotion it away’, or whatever bullshit “alternative” people were trying to force me to act. that’s just not how things work.
so yeah, i was already a mess when temperatures got too intense out there: not only feeling the heat, inside and out, but also quickly induced sweating, having trouble to breath, weakness in all the limbs, blood circulation going nuts (and yes, even fainting and blackouts), feeling half asleep and weak in general. plus all of that triggers my depression, so to all of this come intensified symptons of depression: mood swings, spacing out, not being able to focus or concentrate well, sleep isn’t even an option, and, even as hard as it is for me to speak about it, suicidal ideation.
and now come the pills into play, that i am currently taking against my depression that make me even MORE sensitive to the heat. everything beyond 15°C is ‘warm’ for me. 20°C up is ‘too hot’. at this point i can’t stop sweating. and now it’s already well over 30°. i leave this up to your imagination.
needless to say: i’m just DONE with everything. as long as this heat is prolonging, how the fuck am i even supposed to do ANYTHING? and i know, the person that i am, irresponsible and lightheaded and enthusiastic, i took on a fuckton of cool projects and those bring a certain responsibility with them. both in private (inter-social, household, selfcare, and so on) and commercial – aaaaand this is where i start to REALLY feel the pressure.
i have taken on some projects, some of them involve money and a deadline. and yes, i am super eager to do them and i REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. but… i just can’t. i’m sorry. i knew this was gonna happen, but i tried to. i hope you understand. i will still do them all at some point, but at the moment i am forced into this unreliable position that i cannot do too much about, but wait.
of course me and my doctors are up to it and trying out alternative ways. getting me off the anti-depressants will take a couple of months at least. there is a sort of “anti-heat” pill i am currently trying out, but it doesn’t seem to do much with me. and doesn’t really help with my asthma-related problems with breathing and the anxiety-thing and all the rest, anyway.
i hope everyone who reads this takes this one lesson to heart:
not everyone loves the summer and loves the heat. not everyone can be in the sun, or even laugh under this conditions. depression can be triggered by the summer, and i personally know a bunch of people who share this experience, AND SO DO YOU.
so, the next time you wanna cheer someone up with stuff like “but at least the sun is shining!” or “aren’t you glad the summer is finally here??”, please consider everything i said, or just fuck yourself hard, please. 🙂
thank you for your understand and your interest! <3
may the winter be cold and awesome!