10 years and counting

on this day, it has been exactly 10 years that i lost my brother to depression. that’s hard to ignore…

tho i think i did cope quite okay with everything afterwards, the topic of suicide is still hard to tackle for me. for one, because of my own mental state this will always be a topic for me. this does not just go away. clinical depression is something you can learn to live with, but it will always be there. having suicidal thoughts just keep becoming part of who you are after some time…

no, the hardest thing to face is actually how this topic changed for me after my brother passed away. after seeing what this action does to your friends and family, and even being able to see how things can get better in the future, suicide ceased to be an option. the thought is still ever there, but it is just not an option anymore. so, in a way now i have less freedom in my actions, as weird as that sounds, and this particular aspect is really hard to deal with. it’s stressing me out.

ever since, i have trouble facing this topic when i stumble upon it, for example in film or tv show. not only does it bring so many hurting feelings of my brother to the surface again, but it also forces me to face a very simple fact: i HAVE to deal with all this. ending it is not an option, i WILL have to do something. i can’t just sit and wait, i can’t turn to self harm, i can not give up. i got shit to do and there is no denying that.
having to think about this stuff is of course only worsening my mood and all. i’d rather NOT think about this – i can only be happy without this in my direct consciousness, hence i try TO not face those things. but i should.
days like these make it very clear: those things come back to you, if you like it or not. it just happens, it just IS ever so present.

be safe, be strong!
love y’all